evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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