i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They have beer where we have blood.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
