He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
