My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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