Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
