A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
