i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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