Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he shaved USA in his pubs
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
