There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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