Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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