he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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