Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
whose ass print is on the piano?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
