My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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