I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
