You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
