My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
