I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
