what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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