You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
