Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
