so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
