i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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