this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
