Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
