My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
did i just pee glitter
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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