Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
now i know why i became what i already was.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
