The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
