I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
