Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
