Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
