Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
