...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let's get the cat blown out
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
