I wish I only lived at night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
