my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
