I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
two words: eviction party
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
