I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
