my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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