so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
