He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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