Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
