Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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