its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize