I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
