I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
