dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
