i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
