Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
