Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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