I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
