Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
