Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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