Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
