Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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