sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize