i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
