Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
