Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
3pm strippers are depressing
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
