When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Gay?
German.
Pity.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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